My College Journey

As many of you know I've struggled with finding myself since I was just a young freshman in high school. I went through some of the biggest transitions of my life... OR so I thought. Today, I wanna talk about some of the best and worst lessons I learned while trying to love myself. I was stuck battling a disease, that I never thought I would face. 

Depression. A hard term for many to admit, a hard term for me to admit. This may have been the worst and best thing that could have happened to me. We all get scared when we hear the term mental illness. No one wants to be around someone that has that. FALSE. This may have been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, but I have learned so much from it that now I can't wait to someday help those that are facing the same battles that I did. 

It all starts like this. I learned that you need to find something that gets you away from the bad and makes you forget about all of it. Running was my getaway. This time in my life of depression is when I developed a passion for running. Not only did it get me in shape, it made all my worries go away. As you know, a freshman girl in high school, I WAS ALWAYS WORRIED. This running took me on a journey that I never knew I would go on. I was depressed and as much as I hated to admit it, running may have been the only thing that kept my head above water. I wanted to hate running cause who really likes to run around and feel exhausted. NOT ME. But it allowed me to stay above all my worries so I learned to love it. 

I didn't admit that I had depression till I was a freshman in college. At this time I was attending the University of North Dakota. I loved this place at first. I knew no one, which was exactly what I was looking for. A place where I could start over, and get to know people that knew nothing about me. The first few months were hard. REALLY HARD. I was battling with a disease I didn't want to admit I had and living in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people. I lucked out with a great roommate who made my transition much easier, but still being away from home was tough. I learned to stick through it, got to know some amazing people, and finished my freshman year of college.. WOOO. A goal that I never knew I would complete AND ALL WITH A MENTAL ILLNESS. WHO KNEW. Over the course of the next month I made the decision to go another year at UND. That's my first big lesson I learned. I had been lying to myself all year that IM OK. I CAN DO THIS ANOTHER YEAR. IT WONT HURT ME. LIES.. it was all a lie. I couldn't do this another year alone, I needed support, I needed family. That's when I started to realize If i don't make a change now, I'll never get better. So I transferred home to the University of Minnesota Duluth. I moved back in with my parents, and thought ok now everything is going to be okay. ANOTHER LIE. This disease was way more powerful than I thought it ever would be. It was controlling my entire life, and I still didn't want to admit it. 

First year at UMD, sophomore year. I knew minimal people (which I didn't mind), and had no idea what my year had in store. I continued to do the things I knew would keep my head above water. Running. I continued to run, indoor, outdoor, everywhere. This was the best thing as I got to know my way around campus. I started meeting new people, new faces. (more than I probably did at UND which sounds crazy). I got sucked into a crowd that made me feel welcome. I thought to myself ok this is it, I'm gonna get healthy, I'm gonna tackle these next three years here. THIS IS HOME. Months and months went on and still, I didn't feel as if I was making any progress. I struggled in school, my mental health was at the lowest I think its been, and I couldn't find out why. My friends were great, the school was great, I lived with my parents (which honestly was GREAT) and yet I was at rock bottom. I started shaming myself in ways that weren't good for me, getting stuck with the wrong crowd, putting a name to myself that I knew wasn't me. I was a totally different person than I ever wanted to be. I was drowning. 

Junior year. Things were still tough, and though I was learning to be different, I was never myself. I still hung out with the same crowd, still struggled with the same things. I had completely lost who I was, and at the time I was okay with that. I found things that made me not care about it anymore. Until I met one person that made me realize if you don't make a change now, I probably never will. This person now is my best friend and will be until the day I go. She's the most selfless, caring, and forgiving person I could have ever crossed paths with. Alexis Miller. A name I will always go to in good times and in bad times. This girl made me realize no matter what journey you had before this, YOU can always be a better person moving forward. The one thing I needed most in life was guidance and it crossed my path at the most deserving time. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and the reason this happened to me is still unanswered, but i'll take what I can get. Moving forward, I started to make the changes that I needed to make, started realizing that my mistakes in the past CANNOT define who I am in the future. YES I still had depression that doesn't just go away, but the way I was managing it was so much better. I learned to surround myself with better more caring people. I learned to put the past in the past and only focus one day at a time. THANK YOU ALLIE. 

Senior year. A year I had been working so hard to get to for so many years. Holy crap I am a senior in college was exactly my thoughts walking into the school on that LAST first day. A new me, and new school year. As cheesy as that sounds it was the most true statement. I took that summer before to find myself again, find out what path I wanted to take as I step my last steps into my college career. I was doing well in school, was finding things that I love to do, and I was focusing only on myself. I was being selfish. Something I never really did before. I was seeing a therapist that made my worries less likely to arise, I was taking care of myself. And LADIES, take care of yourself before you ever let someone take care of you. This is so important. I relied my whole life for someone to just care about me, love me for what I was, BUT I didn't even love myself how could I expect someone else to love me. School year passed by in what felt like a blink of an eye, and there we were caps and gowns receiving our college diploma. This was my biggest accomplishment. I have learned so many lessons in my life, but the biggest one I learned is no matter how deep you feel like you're drowning, continue your journey and never stop trying. 

I still to this day battle with depression, but in such a different way than I did 4 years ago. I am finally in my best place, and some days are hard YES, but I finally found the good in myself and for that reason I am ok. I now have a tattoo on my left leg that reads "cont;nue." This statement reminds me that no matter what i'm going through you have to continue your journey. It wont always be easy. TRUST ME. But it'll be so damn worth it. Don't be afraid to show who you really are. Whether it's a mental illness or something else you're dealing with, find your path and follow it. Learn from your mistakes and take care of yourself. LOVE YOURSELF.